Forgive & Forget....Do You?

Hi Dolls!

So today's post is brought to you by a very humbling experience that happened to me a few weeks ago.  I debated on sharing it for several different reasons, including some vulnerabilities about myself, but my sweet bestie Jenna encouraged me to do so as part of writing about what I know. 

Part of the reason why I started a new blog this year was because I felt like a new person, a new Jenny if you will and I just didn't feel like I could relate to that "Jenny" from my old blog anymore.  I've made huge changes in my life over the past 18 months--physical changes, relationship changes, friendships, moving to a new place, and letting go of things from my past.  The last one was a hard one.  And a big one.  And probably the most important one mentally for me. 

 

Growing up, I was taught to forgive and forget--turn the other cheek.  But for some reason, it just never stuck with me.  I'm almost 40 and forgiveness (and forgetting) is something that I have struggled with my entire life.  I know lots of people that can forgive but never forget.  I know people that can do both and truly can move on.  I'm sure if I had a therapist I could tell them my life history and they would respond with a resounding "DUH!" but I remember even as far back in high school (and sadly even grade school) when someone would hurt my feelings that I just couldn't get over it.  There are still people from over 20 years ago that I don't like because of things they did or said to me.  I could also lump people from my professional career into the same category.  I just haven't ever been of the mind frame to forgive and forget.  I've held onto those negative feelings and carried them with me forever, which as you probably know isn't healthy at all. 

 

Last year, I had one of the biggest heartbreaks I've ever experienced in my adult life.  I wrote about it on my old blog.  I poured out my soul and my feelings which was probably one of my most gut wrenching posts I've ever done.  I wrote about when we met.  I wrote about when he broke up with me.  I wrote about how I felt immediately after.  And I wrote about the moment that I realized he was a dick and that I was moving on.  It was therapeutic but also exposed a side of me that I regretted sharing.  Because I didn't like the way it made me feel weak.  That experience hardened me for some potential relationships that I may have had in the last year.  It also fed into my feelings of not opening up to new men for fear of getting hurt again.  Yes, I know...not healthy but I'm laying it all out. 

 

So here's the story:  difficult to tell but I think is something I should get out.  For the purpose of this post, I'm going to call him Bob.  That's not his name but I don't feel creative enough to give him a fancy nickname.  Bob is the guy who broke my heart into a million pieces.  And for the longest time I swore that I was giving up on love.  As a matter of fact, I think I just said "Screw it and screw all of them."  But the truth is Bob catapulted many of the changes that took place in my life over the last 12 months.  About a month after Bob broke up with me...on a text (yes, that's right...a text), he sent me a text that said "I miss so many things about us."  It took all of me, and all of my friends, not to respond.  It would have been so easy for me to have responded back saying I miss you too, let's get back together.  But it would have been so bad for me.  You see, Bob wasn't the greatest boyfriend.  He often said things that weren't very nice without thinking--about me, about my friends, about my family.  That alone should have been a red flag but there was something about him and "us" that couldn't be denied.  We had an amazing chemistry.  He had a great family.  He was smart and we had a ton of things in common.  And he wasn't a douchebag all the time, but sadly was enough of the time, which should have been plenty for me to say no more.  But I cared for him immensely and even after our break up and after his miss you text, I found myself thinking of him often and even comparing new guys to him. 

 

We didn't communicate again until about 3 or 4 months later when I actually reached out to him regarding a massage that I had transferred to him while we were together.  I'm sure you know it wasn't about the massage.  It was about us.  It was about me wanting to speak to him.  Fortunately the conversation was very quick and that was it.  He obviously had moved on and I needed to as well.  Fast forward about another 5 months and we had another series of text conversations that were friendly but very basic.  We never talked about our relationship or dating or anything from the past.  We talked about the weather, travel...generic things.  Nothing that really caused me to become concerned about where I might be headed as far as my feelings were concerned. 

 

Then it happened.  After the first of the year, we were texting and I got the one that caused my heart to drop.  He said that he missed me and the I had been on his mind.  And that he knew it was a rash decision to walk away from me.  I nearly fell of the bar stool I was sitting on in the wine bar I was at, with one of my besties fortunately.  I took a deep breath and responded the only way I knew how to.  "I don't know what to say to that.  It wasn't just a rash decision.  You broke my heart."  We actually spoke on the phone that night for the first time in almost a year.  I told him I didn't want to talk about our past unless it was in person.  Good thing is that in the time we weren't together, he moved to the shore and is now about 3 hours away.     

 

In the few texts that we sent after his profession, he never apologized.  That could have been because I said I didn't want to talk about it unless we were face to face.  But we made plans to see one another and my feelings leading up to that were mixed.  I was nervous and sick to my stomach because the last time I saw him I had no idea that 8 hours later he would send the most cowardly, heartless break up text ever.  On the other hand, I was feeling super confident because I knew that he knew he had made a mistake.  And in the almost year that we've been apart I've become a complete new person.  One that I am so proud to be. 

 

Forgive & Forget?  I had dinner with one of my best friends the night before Bob and I were supposed to meet.  Even through my tears about the upcoming situation, she gave me some tough love that night.  Long story short, she told me to let it go.  She said even if he doesn't apologize or say the things he should say that I had to forgive him and forget what had happened.  Forget all the hurt he had caused me.  Forget the tears he caused.  I had to let it go or it could potentially ruin the rest of my life.  OK, so perhaps a little dramatic but was exactly what I needed to hear. 

 

We met.  We ended up having drinks at a couple of places and dinner.  The first hour of being together was a little uncomfortable as we were avoiding the exact conversation that we were meeting up for.  But he took the lead and said everything that I had wanted him to say for nearly a year.  He took full responsibility for his actions.  He said he regretted it.  He said that during our relationship there were things he wanted to talk about that bothered him but decided to take the easy way out and just let us go instead.  He said he thought about me often and wanted to reach out early but didn't out of respect for me because he didn't know what I had going on in my life and didn't want to mess it up.  He was sincere and said that he knew that I had changed and grown so much in the last year.  But most importantly, he apologized.  As a matter of fact, he apologized a lot.  And for the first time in a long time, I said the words, "I forgive you."  And I meant it.  Now that doesn't mean I am forgetting anything (baby steps people) but I let him release the chains that I've had because I heard him say the words that it wasn't my fault.  I knew it wasn't my fault but hearing it out of the mouth from the person that hurt you makes all the difference. 

 

So what's going to happen between Bob & I?  Truth be told, I have no idea.  Will we be friends?  I don't know.  Will we be more?  Remember that I'm not forgetting.  Will we be cordial?  Absolutely.  I've let go of that hurt.  I'm not in that place anymore and I'm definitely not that person anymore.  And giving myself the ability to forgive is eye opening.  Who says you can't teach an old dog new trick?